I read a number of other blogs several times a week and they often touch me. But this one prompted me to finally post a link to someone else’s blog post and share it with you.
I’m going to be real with you. I’m struggling, I really am. In the past 6 weeks the abuse issues were triggered again (with the Pandora’s box that gets opened with that every time), I lost a very good friend of many years, I’m missing yet another of my boys’ special events this week, several other smaller things have happened, and (still, of course) I am married to a schizophrenic. This has really taken its toll on me. My digestion is not right, my neck is always sore from tension, I’m more fatigued than usual, I’m getting headaches, I’ve become forgetful and can’t always think clearly, I’m using medication for anxiety several times a week (and considering it nearly every day), I’m weepy, I’m irritable, I’m argumentative with Cory, my depression has been worse… I feel rather like a train wreck lately and it is not getting any better. I can honestly say that I felt so wretched Monday morning that I would have ended up in a mental health respite house for a few days this week for sure if I’d continued to feel that way. And I don’t take respite lightly at all; it is something I use as a last resort at this point in my life. [Sorry–for the life of me, I could not find a link to explain respite.]
Most of those who know me well could tell you that I handle life and its stresses better than most people normally, especially considering some of the things I’ve dealt with in my life. I rely on the Lord to do this and He really gets me through. Without Him I’d be nowhere, and I mean nowhere! And He has surely gotten me through this too, one day at a time. But I’m seriously having a very hard time. I hate to admit this. It hasn’t been easy to admit it even to my best friends, let alone to those I don’t know very well, like you. Not only do I hate it when I’m struggling, I hate for people to see me this way. I want them to see the upbeat, positive person they usually see, not someone who can barely cope.
After reading this wonderful lady’s blog post, Broken People, I knew I had to quit wearing a mask and trying to appear so perfect to you. Lord knows, I sure do want to appear perfect to you, but we all know that none of us are. I do want to be upbeat and cheerful for you. I want to uplift you however I can, whether it’s sharing Scripture or a song I love or telling you how I save money or talking about my boys or kitties. But this time, no more mask. This is who I am right now: working hard to maintain some sense of equilibrium but also truly struggling. I want to be genuine with you and let you into my life. In return, I will always let you in if you want me to.
And here is a song I’ve been leaning on:
Casting Crowns – Praise You In This Storm
From the album Lifesong
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
Chorus:
I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of Heaven and Earth
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